


Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones

by Carleen



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst and Humor, F/M, Female Shepard - Freeform, Jeff Moreau - Freeform, Mass Effect - Freeform, Mass Effect Joker, Mass Effect Romance, Sexual Humor, scifi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-07
Updated: 2013-06-07
Packaged: 2017-12-14 04:43:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/832879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carleen/pseuds/Carleen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One shot Shoker. I was over on deviantart.com discussing how Shepard would be kicked out of the service for her fraternization activities. What if, for example she got caught straddling Joker... you know. Then it was leaked to the press? Career killer. This is the idea of the "straddling" not career killer story. Maybe next time. If you're not ready for adult content then move on please</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones

TITLE: Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones...But You Straddling My Lap While I Rock Your World Will Never Get Old

ALTERNATE TITLE: Navigating the Commander

AN: This story is rated "Explicit" for a reason. If this isn't your thing then don't read it. Adult stuff (not smut) headed your way. I'd really love to know what you think about this story. Did you laugh? Was it funny to you in the places I thought it should? 

* * *

_If I must die_  
 _I will encounter darkness as a bride,_  
 _And hug it in mine arms._  


Measure for Measure. Act III, scene 1

* * *

The Alliance ship of the line, SSV Normandy SR-2 Frigate hurtled through space toward its next destination. Her crew, safe inside were sleeping, dreaming and going about their assigned duties. One of them, however, was not asleep and she restlessly prowled the corridors and decks of the ship. The elevator opened on the engineering deck. She entered the corridor and slipped quietly down the stairs to the lower deck. Here, she paused and forced herself to stop long enough to allow the vibration and hum of the ship's heart to speak to her soul. She breathed in the sound and smells of her ship and tried to let it bring her peace.

She wasn't sad or depressed. But, something was coming her way that would change her life forever. As she rushed to meet it, in this wave of preparation, patriotism and galactic cooperation, an apprehension took hold of her. That's what made her restless.

She needed a drink and the lounge beckoned. With a scotch in hand, she rested her head against the cool material of the view screen. The stars drifted past and for a moment she wanted to follow them. Adrift, with no anchor and no responsibility. Everything had a harder and sharper edge to it. Her life more narrow and intense.

Just get it over with, she thought. Tonight, even the rhythms of the ship, failed to quiet her nerves or calm her body's cravings. To distract herself she examined her list. Pulling it from her pocket, she unfolded the old fashioned paper to re-read: **'Ten Things to Do Before You Die'**

 **1\. Go skinny dipping in the Citadel water park with James**.

While not necessarily number one on her list it had proved the easiest to accomplish. And, so far, the most fun. Okay, more than fine. Erotic, sexy, and fun. Although, she was probably at least number 499 on his list of conquests, she didn't mind. She was just glad she'd experienced that time with him. He'd even walked her back to her quarters, smiled that heart stopping crooked smile of his, and kissed her cheek. A gentleman through and through.

**2\. See how many times she could - in between missions, of course - make Garrus have to recalibrate the gun without getting caught or him catching on.**

That had been too easy. Once, she'd been watching him on a vidscreen from her cabin, he'd gotten so frustrated he'd ripped off his visor and thrown it across the floor of the main battery. He'd also forgotten to retrieve it. So later that night she'd gone down to get it. This created item number three on the list.

**3\. Torture Garrus about the whereabouts of his visor.**

Each time he asked her if she'd seen it, she'd told him a different place. She planned to wear it on the next mission just to watch his reaction. What was that old saying? 'Payback is a bitch.' Yeah, he'd make her pay. Bring it, my friend. She looked forward to the competition.

The original number **4: Have sex with Garrus** was problematic. Should they? Maybe? No. She loved him with her whole heart. But, no. Just how in the hell would they accomplish it anyway? He was a perfect BFF and they'd keep it that way. She erased number four.

**4\. S x w Gs**

**4\. Fix Tali up with Garrus.**

A done deal. She'd caught them making out. They were so cute together. They could share an emergency induction port without poisoning each other. She wondered if he'd found her real emergency induction port yet. Probably. Very cute. It felt good to her that they would be there for each other when this was all over.

**5\. Find someone for Steve Cortez.**

This might be the most difficult one of all. He was still grieving for his husband. Would she ever love that deeply? She quickly added a note to number 6.

**6\. Figure out what "love that deeply" really means: Ask Steve.**

**7\. Alter EDI's programming so her answer to any question from Joker about their relationship, prompted her to say 'I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.'**

The memory of that brought the corners of her mouth up, as she took a sip of her scotch. She'd heard the efforts of her hacking early one morning on her way to the Main Battery. EDI and Joker had been standing in the corridor, where they thought no one was around. She hadn't meant to spy on them. But if she'd moved they'd have seen her. So she stayed still.

"EDI?"

"Yes, Mr. Moreau."

"Call me, Jeff."

_"'I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave.'"_

"What? I'm trying to tell you that I'm ready to pursue this relationship with you."

_"'This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.'"_

"EDI, what's the problem? Break my heart or crush my pelvis. Whatever. I'm ready. Here, let me show you."

_"'I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.'"_

"I want to kiss you. EDI, let me."

Silence…

"Fine, EDI. If you don't want this. Then I'm fine with it. Just FINE. Don't think of it again. In fact, wipe the whole thing from your memory nodes!"

_"'Look Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over.'"_

"Are you making fun of my disease? Who the hell is Dave?"

Suddenly, Joker gave a cry of frustration and was moving toward her hiding place. But Shepard was standing right behind them and there was no where else to go. She was so busted.

"Commander?"

"I didn't mean to spy on you, Joker."

Joker stood still, looking from the retreating back of EDI and back to Shepard. The light came on. "Commander, did you have anything to do with that conversation"

"I apologize. I meant no harm." She backed away, in full retreat, heading for the elevator and the haven of the CIC.

"Meant NO HARM?" He hobbled to her and caught her by the arm. What is this? Revenge? I turn you down and you interfere with my personal life?"

A long moment had gone by as they both weighed out the effect of Jeff's hand on her forearm and their proximity to each other. She remembered the anger in his striking green eyes. She remembered how surprised she'd been at the intensity of his touch and the look in his eyes. Hurting him had not been part of the plan. Then there were voices and they there were no longer alone. He'd abruptly released her arm and with some success attempted to bring his emotions under control.

"Flight Lieutenant Moreau, we are done here. Return to your duties."

That really hadn't gone well, but she suspected his sense of humor would prevail and he would appreciate the joke. Payback would be a real bitch.

 **8\. Fall - not Kaiden - in love.** Probably not enough time for that, but it was a worthy goal.

 **9\. Do something crazy and fun with BFF.** Target practice off the roof of the Presidium with Garrus had been fun. She'd even let him win the bet. His happiness had made her day and lifted her heart. Maybe they should have sex. BFF with benefits? No and probably ouch! She was not about to have to explain that type of injury to Miranda by asking for warranty work.

 **10\. Take Joker up on his affirmation that he would rock her world.** This one would take some planning. First, no uniform. He had, and rightly so, expressed discomfort at violating the frat rules with a superior officer.

Perhaps tonight was the night? The ship was headed toward Thessia now. Once that mission was over, there might not be much time left before they faced off with the Reapers on earth. After that, there would be no time left... No more time... Time out.

She didn't really want to die. But at least she could die fighting, not hiding in a shelter while the Reapers ravaged her home world. There was no doubt in her heart that they would eventually succeed in wiping out the Reapers. How many of her crew would die in the effort kept her awake at night. She would do whatever it took to keep them alive and safe. If it took her life to make it happen then that was her fate.

There were two things she knew for sure about Joker. One, he liked her dressed in black; and two, it was midnight, and she knew he was both on duty and awake.

She stopped by her cabin to brush her teeth and swipe a comb through her unruly red hair. Then stuffing a lacy black teddy in her pocket, she headed toward the bow of the ship.

The door to the cockpit slid open. Joker and EDI were up to their usual discussion about... What was it? She remembered some of the terms from college, but that was all she could make out. It was quantum this and particle that. It bothered her more than a little that their conversation was often over her head.

As she entered, EDI stood.

Before the Commander could ask EDI to excuse them, Joker beat her to it.

EDI wished her good night and placed a hand on her arm. That took her took her by surprise. "EDI?"

Then EDI was hugging her. Now that was really a surprise. Once she was gone Shepard watched Joker lock the door from his panel.

"Hey, Commander. What are you doing up so late?" Her ship's pilot asked.

"I was just restless so I thought I'd come up here and check in with you."

"Check up on me more likely."

"I already apologized, Joker."

"Come on around here, Commander."

She slipped in between the chairs and perched on the side of his chair.

"What's up, Joker?"

"There's something I needed to talk to you about."

"Shoot."

Joker shook his head, "You're just not close enough, ma'am. Then, suddenly, he was pulling her across his lap.

"Wait! Joker, be careful. I don't want to... hurt..."

"No worries, Commander. I just want to know one thing."

He was reaching into her pocket, his finger snagging the lingerie and pulling it from her pocket. He draped it across her legs.

"I don't need this." He said, sending it spinning to the deck.

"Hey! Give that back."

"How come I wasn't first on your list?"

"List?" A blush bloomed across her face and she turned away to hide her reaction from the young man.

"Don't look away. The list. I want an answer."

"I don't know what you are talking about."

His clever fingers were opening her shirt. She should stop him. Her breasts spilling into his hands. Then he was kissing her and she was letting him, her body arching toward his.

"Joker, I think you'd better let me go."

"No. Why wasn't I first on your list, Commander?" He asked again, sucking her bottom lip into his mouth before he released her.

"Because... Ahhhh...Joker!"

His mouth was moving down her neck, alternately grazing his teeth across her skin and kissing the spot where his teeth had nipped. His hands doing impossible things to her breasts. Then he abruptly pinched her nipple hard enough to make her eyes fly open.

"Tell me."

She was bare to the waist now and his hands tugged her pants open.

"If you don't tell me. I might stop."

"No…"

Her boots slipped off her feet. How had he done that? Clever boy!

She gasped when his fingers slid into the opening of her pants.

Joker closed his eyes and leaned his head against her chest. While teasing her was fun, it was also a revelation. Her skin was as soft as he'd always imagined. Her muscles as taut, her mouth as sweet.

Her long red hair slid over her bare skin and tickled his nose while he kissed her breasts. It was taking monumental control on his part to keep from finding his own release. Control that for someone like him, who didn't have sex all that often, didn't really possess. Not that he hadn't done his research! But, he did this for her. Mainly because if they were all going to die, he had to have her just once before the end came. He had to show her. She also deserved it, for all her meddling and practical jokes. She was also wrong about one or two points and he intended to prove it to her.

Joker felt her rocking against his hand. Oh, no, my love, he thought. He stopped her from moving with his left hand and with his right he slipped two fingers inside her.

"JEFF?"

"Yes, Commander?

"Don't stop. Please..."

"Then tell me."

"I wanted..." She was about to orgasm. He could see it in every line of her body and feel it on his fingers.

"Wanted what?"

"You…"

He pulled his hand away and pushed her off his lap. She grabbed an overhead beam. Anything just to keep herself upright.

She gasped in confusion, "What are you doing?"

"Depending on the culture, there are many terms for this activity - he pulled her pants down and off. Her panties followed - He slid his arms around her hips and pulled her roughly back toward him. I'm down with whatever you want to call it. Now, you were saying?" Sliding his tongue into the folds of her wet labia.

At the contact, Shepard jerked against him. Carding her fingers into his hair, using his head to hold herself herself upright. His ball cap rolled to the deck.

"To… Save...The best...Oh, God... Jeff!"

Her entire being was balanced on the tip of Joker's tongue. And then he flicked it across her swollen clit and she screamed.

Without letting her get away, Joker lifted the arm rests of his chair out of the way and slid her back across this lap.

"Open your eyes, sweetheart. I want to see you."

Silent tears rolled down her face as Joker slid her down over his erection. Both reacting to the experience by straining toward one another. It was unbearably intrusive and exquisitely sensual.

"I'm not your sweet..."

"Of course you are."

She shook her head in denial.

"You're crying. Why are you really here, Sweetheart?

"Didn't want to die without letting you know…"

It was building in her again. Truthfully, he could no longer stand the torture himself. The primal urge to move was overpowering. Joker allowed it to overtake him. All the dreams of loving her and making love to her flowed like hot blood through his body. His brain felt like it was on fire with all the sensory input. The taste of her was still on his tongue.

Gripping her hips now to help her move over him. She was strong and beautiful and wild. He watched, mesmerized, as her breasts bounced up and down as they moved together.

If she held on much tighter to his shoulders he thought he was probably in real danger of dislocation. He didn't care; the pain only added fuel to his desire. His thumb made gentle circles around her clit.

"Jeff... Jeff...!"

She came first and he felt her vaginal walls pulling at him. She was rocking over him. Joker pushed hard once, twice and then he was done. A great wave engulfed him as all his senses directed like a laser beam to the point of their joining. There were tears in his eyes too, as he cried out and emptied himself into her. His voice echoing around the small room. Shepard collapsed on top of him and he pulled close into his arms, burying his face against her neck.

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

"No, no, no." He said, gently soothing her with his hands.

"I'm sorry about Ja..."

"Don't say his name. Not now."

She nodded in understanding.

"You know you belong here with me. You always have."

A simple, "yes", was all she could offer.

"I'm going to help you tear up that list, because it's completed now, isn't it?"

"Yes, Jeff."

"Why?"

"You know I love you."

Yes, I do know. Now, listen up, Commander. You will not die and you will not leave me. Do you hear…?" But the sternness in his voice failed and his admonition came out in a whisper.

"I won't leave you again, Jeff. I promise."

Joker shifted to get them both comfortable. He smiled to himself, feeling very satisfied and yes, smug. These Commanders, sometimes they just didn't know what was best for them.

* * *

 

AN: I have to turn every story into a romance novel. Sorry! LOL. In my ME world, no one dies and everyone lives happily ever after. And the sky is pink with big puffy blue clouds 8-)

It began to dawn on me that the HAL 9000 quotes would go right past anyone who wasn't at least my age. You know who you are. So here you go: Internet Movie Database: title/tt0062622 and <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwBmPiOmEGQ>

Ship of the line was a type of naval warship constructed from the 17th through to the mid-19th century to take part in the naval tactic known as the line of battle, in which two columns of opposing warships would maneuver to bring the greatest weight of broadside guns to bear. Since these engagements were almost invariably won by the heaviest ships carrying the most powerful guns, the natural progression was to build sailing vessels that were the largest and most powerful of their time


End file.
